Wednesday, 9 December 2015

The Worry That It Will Never Happen

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The further I get from my missed miscarriage in August the more that I begin to worry about having a healthy pregnancy in the future. I cannot deny that the thought of such a thing never happening hasn't crossed my mind a few times lately. I don't doubt that at some point in the future I will see a second pink line again. I am sure we will feel that rush of joy, that surge of possibility again. Although I've not gone into too much detail about it we have managed to conceive pretty easily in the past, there doesn't seem to be any problem with that part of the process. What I do worry about, however, is having a successful pregnancy; full term with a happy, healthy baby at the end of it. What if that just isn't possible?

Some would say that it is silly to even think about that possibility especially when I don't know of any reason why I won't. After all, it seems that our losses up until this point have been pure misfortune. Why worry about something that isn't even guaranteed? Some would tell me to not stress about it and it'll happen. Oh, if only it was all that simple. I truly wish that it was.

I'll be honest, while I'm scared that I'll never know what it is to be a parent I'm more scared of depriving my husband of becoming a father. I know that he would (will?) be an amazing dad with just the right mix of fun and seriousness. How can I stop him from experiencing that?! It worries me that perhaps my body can't do that which it is designed for and it's a really scary prospect. If the time ever comes when I have to give up this dream of having my own baby I know that a little part of me will be lost, broken, forever. How do I live with that?

I am aware that there are many options when it comes to having a family, that I don't necessarily have to experience pregnancy to become a mum but a very selfish part of me wants that experience. I want to go through all the aches and pains, the emotional turmoil that hormones inflict on you, the labour and delivery. I want to know what it is like to carry your own little human for nine months. I don't want anyone else to experience that for me. 

I've always been a worrier. Why did I think with trying to start a family I would be any different? How naive.



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