Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Festive Period Holiday Announcement

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With Christmas being just two days away I'm going to take a little break from Jack Russells and Rainbows to spend some quality time with my family. It's hard enough running two blogs simultaneously let alone at Christmas, especially when the subject matter here is a often a little less than cheery! 

While I'm on that subject I promise to be more upbeat with the posts in the new year. I only felt that I had to get some of my sad stories and negative thoughts out before 2015 ended. It's been a tough year but I'm looking to 2016 with positivity and hope. So much hope.

I'll be back in the new year but until then, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. Hopefully next year can bring me happier times.

Until then, stay safe and I'll see you in 2016.

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Facing Christmas After Losses

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Christmas is one of my absolute favourite times of the year. It's hard not to get caught up in the festivities when there is so much good food, presents and family time. Those are some of my favourite things right there! This year, however, is tinged with just a hint of sadness for what could have been, what was meant to have been.

I have already passed the due dates of two of my pregnancies and whilst I know that I shouldn't I cannot help but think about how I should be about to celebrate baby's first Christmas. I should be able to walk through the shops and pick up that oh-so-cute outfit or those adorable toys knowing that I have a little one to give it to but I can't because I don't. At the very least I was meant to be almost 28 weeks pregnant with pregnancy number three, almost into third trimester but instead I'm sat here wondering if and when it'll ever happen.

Christmas is one of those times that for me is all about family. The husband, dog and I make sure to visit both sides of our family equally over the Christmas period, including splitting Christmas Day up so that no one's feeling get hurt. At first it was strange for me but now I love it. I love being surrounded by all of those that we hold closest to our hearts. This year I'll just be missing three of them. This year I won't get to share it with my new little family, nor will I have the promise of my little family growing in my stomach, like I had thought I would. That sucks.

It's easy to fall down the trap of thinking "if it had all gone well then..." or "if only we had been quicker in identifying the problem then..." The thing is no matter how much I wish things had been different I cannot do anything to change how things are right now. All I can do is hope that 2016 will tell a very different story but we'll just have to wait and see. 

"If ifs and buts were candy and nuts 
we'd all have a merry Christmas."

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

The Worry That It Will Never Happen

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The further I get from my missed miscarriage in August the more that I begin to worry about having a healthy pregnancy in the future. I cannot deny that the thought of such a thing never happening hasn't crossed my mind a few times lately. I don't doubt that at some point in the future I will see a second pink line again. I am sure we will feel that rush of joy, that surge of possibility again. Although I've not gone into too much detail about it we have managed to conceive pretty easily in the past, there doesn't seem to be any problem with that part of the process. What I do worry about, however, is having a successful pregnancy; full term with a happy, healthy baby at the end of it. What if that just isn't possible?

Some would say that it is silly to even think about that possibility especially when I don't know of any reason why I won't. After all, it seems that our losses up until this point have been pure misfortune. Why worry about something that isn't even guaranteed? Some would tell me to not stress about it and it'll happen. Oh, if only it was all that simple. I truly wish that it was.

I'll be honest, while I'm scared that I'll never know what it is to be a parent I'm more scared of depriving my husband of becoming a father. I know that he would (will?) be an amazing dad with just the right mix of fun and seriousness. How can I stop him from experiencing that?! It worries me that perhaps my body can't do that which it is designed for and it's a really scary prospect. If the time ever comes when I have to give up this dream of having my own baby I know that a little part of me will be lost, broken, forever. How do I live with that?

I am aware that there are many options when it comes to having a family, that I don't necessarily have to experience pregnancy to become a mum but a very selfish part of me wants that experience. I want to go through all the aches and pains, the emotional turmoil that hormones inflict on you, the labour and delivery. I want to know what it is like to carry your own little human for nine months. I don't want anyone else to experience that for me. 

I've always been a worrier. Why did I think with trying to start a family I would be any different? How naive.

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

The Things You Learn...

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Let's be honest, when I first began to think about wanting to start my own family back in 2012 I had no idea of what I was actually getting myself in for. There was so much about trying to conceive and pregnancy itself that I had never even begun to consider. All I knew was I wanted a baby and I wanted one now.

Of course, I didn't get one then and I still don't have one now but since then I have learnt so much about trying to conceive and my body.

I won't go into the nitty gritty of it all. I'm not sure that everyone that has been dropping by here is really interested in the anatomical goings on of trying to conceive. Nor do I really fancy getting that personal on this blog. Well, not yet anyway. Not while we are still warming up to each other and while this whole being open about trying to start a family malarkey is new to me. For now, I don't think you need to know all the details.

I'm a believer that knowledge is power and with being an anxious sort of person I like to prepare myself thoroughly before I begin any new endeavour. During the years that I was waiting for the husband to be ready I researched a lot. I found forums and websites packed full of information that has helped me along this journey. Of course, words on a screen or a book can never fully prepare you for any of this but I do think that it has helped me a lot.

While on this journey to (hopefully) parenthood, I discovered that ditching the contraceptives doesn't equate to TTC in some people's eyes. In fact, solely ditching the contraceptives and seeing where things end up is often considered "not trying, not preventing" (NTNP). This was the first thing I was to learn. You see in my naive mind I thought not using contraception was essentially trying for a baby. Apparently not. Apparently really trying for a baby involves ovulation predictor kits (OPKs), temping, charting and checking other bodily signs that we aren't going to discuss yet. Maybe I'll save all that for another day.

What I will say is that consciously trying for a baby (or NTNP) has made me hyper aware of what is going on in my body. I'm so in tune with it nowadays that it's insane. I feel every little niggle, I'm immediately aware if something doesn't feel right  when I would never have noticed it before. I guess when there are so many symptoms of ovulation and pregnancy that you become heightened to every sensation within your body easily - especially when driven by the desire to have a baby.

It isn't just what has been going on with me physically that I have learnt a lot about but also how the body works in general. It's amazing just how little you are truly taught about growing up. The myth of if you have sex without protection you will get pregnant that is fed to us in schools is nothing more than just that: a myth. It's all about timing, your fertility, his fertility and even just a little bit of luck. It won't necessarily happen immediately, the first and only time that you have sex. Of course, it could but it's pretty unlikely that one time will lead to a baby - although they do say that it only takes one time.

I feel like I've learnt a lot during my experience of TTC and my three short-lived pregnancies but I still have an awful lot more to learn, to experience. Everyone's bodies are different. Everyone's pregnancies will be different. Things that will happen to someone else during pregnancy won't necessarily happen to me and vice versa. That's why researching and reading can only tell you so much.

I guess I've just got to really experience it for myself.

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