Wednesday, 18 November 2015

Trying Again After a Loss

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There are no hard and fast rules as to trying again after a loss. Every couple is different, every situation is different, every body is different. Depending on your situation it may be possible to start trying straightaway whilst I've also heard of many women being advised to wait three months, or three cycles. It is, of course, important to listen to the advice of those in the medical profession as they know best but when it comes to being emotionally ready... Well, that's a whole different ball game.

As I am not medically trained in any sense, I can only talk about my own experiences and the advice I have been given by my doctors for my individual situations. Each time I was told that I could begin trying again whenever I liked, there was no waiting period for me. It was simply a case of waiting until I felt ready. But what does that even mean? After a heartbreaking loss are you ever truly ready to start again?

In short: I don't think you ever can be completely ready.

There is always a real fear of it happening again. The phrase "recurring miscarriage" or "recurring losses" is one that chills me to the bone. As each of my losses has been different from the last I can only hope that there isn't something wrong with me and that I've just been unlucky. Really, really, incredibly unlucky. It is that fear of something being wrong, that fear of losing another baby and experiencing that pain all over again that keeps you from being one hundred per cent ready. You can't go back to how things were before, in the beginning, when you had that naive confidence that it wouldn't happen to you. It did and you just have to learn to live with that.

I've had three very different situations which led me to trying again but the reason behind not waiting remains the same: the incredible desire to have a baby. The thing is no matter how much I wish things were different right now, no matter how much I long for that which I have lost, I cannot have it back. Nothing takes away the pain of losing a baby. It is something that I think about every single day without fail and yet the only way for me to move on is to look forward and concentrate on having a healthy pregnancy and baby in the future. It doesn't do anything to dwell in the past in a perpetual state of mourning. I have to believe that there is something spectacular waiting just around the corner for me.

Unfortunately for me trying again after my first loss resulted in another and then another before I've reached this spot that I'm in right now but I refuse to give up hope. It does mean that with any future pregnancies I'll worry probably more than the average person who hasn't experienced a loss. It does mean that I carry about my little lost babies forever, wondering what could have been. But I can't let that stop me from going after the thing I want most. I have to believe that next time will be different.

I am not a quitter. I won't be defeated that easily. It is for that reason that I find myself trying again, and hoping once more, for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby the next time.

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